Review: The Year 2019

This was originally intended to be a product review.  However, as this is my last blog post of this year and it is already late due to illness, I've decided to make it a review of  my year in 2019.

On many counts, not just my own, 2019 has been a very rough year and one that I'm not sorry to see go.  But it hasn't all been bad, either.  it has been a year of many changes and much growth.

We began 2019 much the way we always do, my hubby and me at home with our two fur-babies.  I honestly couldn't tell you the last time we were actually out for New Year's.  It's a struggle just being able to stay awake until midnight, the older we get.  I think last New Year's we made it up to see the ball drop in Times Square in New York on the tv and counted that, even though we had an hour to go here in Iowa.

My father-in-law, Pete, celebrates his 90th with all original parts!

March was a month of celebrations.  We celebrated my father-in-law's 90th birthday with a party after church the Sunday before his big day.  It was wonderful how many friends and family, including some from farther away, were able to make the trip to celebrate this wonderful man with us.  We also held a small get-together at the nursing home for my grandma's 97th birthday that month.  Many local family members were able to attend and though G'ma had dementia, it was a great day.  She knew everyone (well, almost - she struggled for a moment with my husband, but then told him that he reminded her a lot of her granddaughter's husband), she had a sparkle in her eyes and had an unusually wonderful day.  She was lucid and knew we were there to celebrate her, though she couldn't believe she was actually 97 years old!

My G'ma celebrating her 97th!

Then we went through the next several months struggling with shock, betrayal and pain as my father-in-law's wife (not my husband's mom - she passed away in 1994) of 23 years left him and filed for divorce, spreading horrible rumors and lies about him and about our family.  We stood helplessly by as his health began a rapid decline in the wake of being abandoned.  We all did what we could to be there for him and to help as much as possible, but the shock and sadness he experienced at going through a divorce at 90 years old took its toll.  And, all the while, he never had one mean or cross word to say about the woman who'd abandoned him.  These months were filled with much stress, anxiety and sadness for all of us as we tried to help him adjust.  

G'ma meeting her newest great-grandson.

Early in the morning on August 3rd, my mom received the call from the nursing home that my beautiful G'ma had died peacefully in her sleep.  Our time the next week was spent taking care of funeral arrangements and keeping in touch with my mom's siblings who were both traveling from far away to be here.  Just five days after my G'ma's funeral, my father-in-law ended up back in the hospital (he'd been hospitalized for several weeks soon after his wife left him).  We actually thought we were going to lose him that night, though, thankfully, we didn't.  Over the next few weeks, more arrangements were made and he got to see all of his children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, as well as his only remaining sister and her family.  On Sept. 2nd, along with my husband, his sister and her husband, we had the sad privilege of being with this wonderful man as he breathed his last.

l to r: Cary, Pete, Deb & Dave (my father-in-law and his kids)

So much of this year has been about stress, anxiety and mourning.  But at the same time, I've done a lot of healing and growing.  I've realized that I have actually finally come to terms with the limitations that my health issues put on me.  I still don't like them, but I've finally accepted that this is just part of my life and it doesn't have to be the end of that life.  During all of those months with what we were going through with my father-in-law, I had also been struggling with my own personal anxieties, depression, feelings of worthlessness.  Feelings that I thought I had long ago put behind me, but they have really been pulling me down over the past two years.  Thanks to some amazing and supportive friends, I've learned much about self-care over the past year and that taking time to take care of yourself isn't selfish, but necessary to living a healthier life, mentally and physically.  Thanks to time with my church family, I have grown by changing my focus from my weaknesses and inadequacies to believing in myself and being able to step out of my comfort zone and be there for others in a way I haven't felt like I could in a very long time. 

I have spent since Christmas Day sick with a terrible head cold.  Of course, since I have Celiac Disease and hypothyroidism, it takes so much longer to get over the simplest illness and it takes so much out of me.  My husband has also not been well over this past week.  We are actually taking some personal time off this week, intending to do some down-sizing and de-cluttering around home.  Nothing like illness to halt your plans, right?!  Though last week I was able to do a lot with working as a techie to prepare for and during our Christmas Eve service for church.  I love being so active with my church family, but doing so wore me out!  I'm so glad I got to participate, though!  It makes me feel alive to be able to serve.

This morning I had a dream right before I woke up.  It felt very real.  I was with my mom and we were walking through my grandparents' house.  I think part of what prompted this dream was that my husband and I, along with his sister and her husband recently finished cleaning out my father-in-law's house, the sale of which will be final this week.  The last day we were over there finishing up, as we left, my husband said to me, "This is probably the last time I'll ever be in my dad's house."  So, in my dream, my mom and I were in my grandparents' house - G'ma sold it over 15 years ago, yet I can picture clearly every nook and cranny of the home they'd lived in since before I was born.  In my dream, we walked through each empty room.  As I stepped into each room in turn, though it was completely emptied of all signs of the lives that had been lived there, I could picture each room when it was filled with furniture, plants, family and love.  When I awoke and realized that I fully remembered my dream - not something that happens often with me - it gave me pause.  The first feeling was sadness and the next was realization that I was saying good-bye.  This dream to me, wasn't just me saying good-bye to my grandma, my childhood.  It was saying good-bye to yesterday.  All the yesterdays.  How fitting that I had this dream on the last day of 2019.  While we hold our memories as treasures in our hearts, they are now past and whether the memory and experiences were good or bad, we move forward.  Hopefully, we move forward with more wisdom, courage, determination and focus because of what we have lived through, but we move forward nonetheless.

I know this post has not been a very uplifting one, but if you made it all the way through to the end, I hope that you are able to see what my message is.  I've said so many times this year how I am so over it and ready to move on.  We don't know if tomorrow will bring joy or sorrow, success or hardship, but we do know that whatever it brings, tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow is another chance.  Tomorrow offers us opportunities we may have missed today or yesterday.  We can't change what happened yesterday, but we can learn from it, grow from it and move on from it.  After all, tomorrow is another day.

May your 2020 be full of happiness, love and restoration and may you find the strength to face whatever may come your way.